Why Is Self Care So Hard?
Our mental health can be fragile if not cared for and at risk of cracking under the strain of busy workloads or a selfless regime where everyone else always comes first. We often place more and more onto our plates until it gets too much. As the pressure builds, we neglect to make the time for self care. Self care is essential but often overlooked, with many feeling guilty about considering self care breaks at all. You will read some of the reasons why this happens, why self care can be so hard and what we could do to make it a little easier.
What is self care and why is it so important?
Self care is all about taking the time to do something for yourself where you can feel more relaxed, spark some joy, and deal with some of the stress and worry draining your energy. These moments don’t have to be major events. Sometimes it is the simple pleasures that are momentary in the day that are enough to let us clear the mind and recharge the batteries a little. Like stopping momentarily in your busy schedule to smell the roses, instead of zooming past them.
Regular attention to self care is important so that we don’t end up neglecting our mental health and risking burnout. As Very Well Mind points out here, there are also potential benefits for our physical health. Dealing with stress with pampering sessions can mean focusing on skincare and soothing aching muscles, both of which are easily neglected during busier periods of your life.
Mental health days are more common, so why not self care days?
Thankfully, employers and peers are beginning to become more open to the concept of taking a day off for mental health reasons, rather than for physical health. There is the realization that burnout at work has major negative implications and sometimes we all need time to rest and come back refreshed. These days can be self care days. But, there is still some stigma around the term self care that makes it harder to request one of those.
Why is self care so hard?
One of the biggest hurdles when it comes to self care is the perception of others. There is the risk that we will be told that our self care is actually a negative action because of the way that it affects other people. This can stop some naturally selfless people from taking the time to do anything out of the ordinary for themselves. There is the fear that self care is a selfish action that we should avoid. This can lead to too many cases of people failing to take care of themselves because they can’t find a healthier perspective.
Then there is the issue of making the time and the effort. Self care often becomes another task to add to an overflowing to-do list, something else that we need to make time for on a busy day. The easy answer is to say we are simply too busy to rest and that other tasks on the to-do list take priority.
Furthermore, there is the fact that some people that need greater self care in stressful situations or periods of depression lack the motivation to make the effort. This is not laziness, despite what others may say, it is just a symptom of the condition of not having the drive to move away from the environment you are in to do something else.
Is self care selfish?
It could be. It all depends on your motives for taking the time to do something for yourself and the deeper implications of your actions. For example, some people may use the tag of self care as an excuse, or merely a front for doing something else. They may not feel like going somewhere, or would rather spend their time and money on a treat for themselves. If they want this purely for the sake of having it, and are aware that this will hurt or deprive someone else, then this can be seen as a selfish act.
But, what about if we dive deeper into the situation. What if that person has spent the entire week budgeting for their family, buying them essentials and treats, and working hard to care for them. Then, when the weekend comes, they say they want to go for lunch with a friend instead of overseeing the family somewhere. Is that selfish? In this instance, that self care could be more than just a chance to meet a friend and have coffee. It could be the treat they have denied themselves all week and a chance to unload some stress and worry to a sympathetic ear.
Self care isn’t selfish if you or others benefit in the long run.
This is not selfish if the act not only helps the individual feel better, but can also provide knock-on benefits for the family. For example, the individual may feel better for talking to a friend and be in a better mood with their family and partner. They may find a new perspective on a solution that helps the household. Or, they may simply feel refreshed enough to handle the same weekly tasks and care routines the next week.
There is a common phrase on motivational websites that you can’t pour from an empty cup. What this means is that when you are drained of energy, positivity, and motivation, you have nothing to pass on to other people. If your primary objective is to take care of those you love, you need to have the energy, positivity, and motivation to do so. So, once you take the time to replenish yourself with self care, you are back to being the best caregiver you can be. Everyone benefits over time. The other analogy of self care I particularly like is the air stewards instructions to put on your own oxygen masks first before you help someone else, should the need for oxygen arise.
Still, we struggle with the notion that self care is a negative action.
When we are in a negative space, brought down by our stress and worry, it is easier to focus on what could go wrong rather than what could go right. Therefore, we find ourselves making excuses not to indulge in self care. We look at the lists of tasks we haven’t completed and say that we don’t have time. We convince ourselves that there are more ‘important’ things to do than have a break to do something we would enjoy.
This also leads to some important issues with the language around self care. When we refer to the ‘self’, it immediately makes us think of the term ‘selfish’. When we use that phrase to ‘indulge in self care’, we see the negative connotations of indulgence, such as greediness. Then there are the misconceptions of what is truly ‘important’ in our lives.
This Psychology Today article has some interesting advice on the issue of indulgence and self care, as well as other tips about the negative implications. There is positive indulgence where we treat ourselves in moderation and get true pleasure, such as that slice of cake you waited for all week. But, there is negative indulgence where overeating and negative associations with food creep in. This can then lead to feelings of guilt and self-loathing over what you did, placing you in a worse position than when you started.
How can you bring self care into your life in a positive and selfless way?
There are lots of things that you can do to enjoy a little self care each day. A few mindful moments with joyful things can add up and offer great relief over time. Or, you can look forward to something bigger that will relax and recharge you at the end of the week. To start generating ideas, it can be helpful to think about what you used to love doing in the past and rekindle old hobbies or favourite activities. You could also:
~ Make the most of a long hot bath with some herbal tea, a nice bath bomb, or some luxury skin care.
~ Take the time to remove yourself from a place of stress and breath in the fresh air. Listen to the birds and literally go and smell the roses.
~ Curl up in a cozy chair after you’ve finished an important task and read a book or listen to a favorite band.
~ Buy a treat from your favorite bakery on an extended lunch break and really savor the tastes.
~ Take your time making breakfast in the morning knowing you don’t have to rush out of the door for work.
Essentially, you need to make a little time for the little things that bring you joy and make the effort to add them to your day. Don’t be afraid to schedule them on your day planner alongside the projects and chores. These moments are as important in their own way.
Talk to your family about your needs and intentions.
Finally, don’t forget to involve your family and friends in all this. It is a lot easier to feel less guilty about doing something away from the family that is just for you if you have their blessing. They may be more understanding than you realize and willing to give you the space you need. Their help can lighten the load. Explain what you need to do and why you need to do it. Be honest with them, and with yourself, to fully appreciate why self care has been so hard and why there is nothing wrong in pursuing it now.
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If you have read this article and tried to act on it but continue to struggle with self care, it may be helpful to unpack this in a therapy session as inability to be kind and caring to yourself may be indicative of a major problem. Contact me for a free consultation.
